


Just Drive

by RyanWithSuperPowers



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (Yes Really), (yet), Alternate Universe - Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - No Squip, Anxiety, But right now everything’s platonic, Crossover, Depressed Character(s), Depression, I haven’t decided yet, Inaccurate Geography, Junior year, No shipping right now, Panic Attacks, Running Away, Suicidal Character(s), The author has never been to new jersey, and for some dark themes I guess, but not really, for both bmc and deh, maybe later - Freeform, rated teen and up for swearing, set before Connors senior year, set before Connors suicide, the author has never left oklahoma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-06-27 06:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15679908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyanWithSuperPowers/pseuds/RyanWithSuperPowers
Summary: It wasn’t running away. Not really.Sometimes Connor just needed to leave, that’s all. So he’d pack a bag full of spare t-shirts and drive as far away as he could get on a half-empty gas tank, and he’d live there for the night.But it didn’t count, because it wasn’t for real. He always went back.ON HIATUS





	1. To Get Away

**Author's Note:**

> So this was inspired by a tumblr post I saw that I wasn’t able to find again, sadly. 
> 
> But it went like this:  
> Jake: dude, the freaks freaking out!!  
> Connor, appearing out of nowhere and pushing jake: YOURE THE FUCKING FREAK
> 
> So yeah, I just needed a reason for Connor to be at the mall, and then this happened. It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’ve been working on this for 2 hours. So yeah it’s not the best. But it’s not that bad either, so.

Connor wasn’t running away. Not really. The keys were in the ignition and his foot was on the gas pedal and he was pulling out of the driveway and onto the road, but he wasn’t running away. Connor passed the school, the park, the town welcome sign, and he got on the highway, but it wasn’t real. Connor couldn’t do it for real. He could pretend though.

This wasn’t the first time he’d done this. Stuff a few shirts in his backpack, grab a handful of cash from the bottom drawer of his dresser, and just drive. See how far he can get with his half-empty tank of gas and just stay there for the night. Drive back the next morning and skip school to get high in his room. 

They never called anymore. The few times he did it he really scared them with it, his phone blowing up with missed calls and texts of “Where are you???” and “Come home, right now” from his mother. Now Connor didn’t even have to put his phone on silent. 

Connor had been scared the first time too. He’d packed a bag full of clothes and brought as much money as he could carry. He’d only made it downtown before he got mugged in broad daylight. He was back home before anyone even noticed he was gone.

The second time he got much further. Connor took the bus to the next town over and spent the night wandering around, getting to know the area. He’d fallen asleep on the sidewalk in front of a dollar store, and when he woke up he was missing forty dollars and one of the t-shirts from his bag. He wasn’t too upset about it.

He’d only really started to run further when he got his license. Connor and Zoe shared a car, but it was more like Zoe had a car that Connor stole sometimes. Mostly just to run away. But they each had a copy of the key, so it was technically their shared car. 

Connor pulled off the highway when he noticed his gas tank was starting to empty. He’d already learned his lesson on ignoring how much gas he had left. He drove around the new area, looking for a place he could park without getting a ticket. Connor wasn't out looking for trouble, he just needed to be away for a while. He was running away.

No he wasn’t. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t have the guts.

Connor eventually found himself in the parking lot of a mall. He left his bag in the car, locking the doors and windows as not to repeat another incident where his stuff was stolen. There were a lot of incidents, to say the least. 

For just one day, he was a different person in a different town, living a different life. He had a car that he was allowed to drive. He went to the mall after school. 

What was he even going to do here? He didn’t have friends, he wasn’t going to meet anyone here. Was he just going to wander around until he found a store with shit worth buying? As Connor wondered just what he was doing in the middle of an unfamiliar mall, he heard someone start to yell.

“Jeremy?” A female voice cried out. Connor looked over to where the sound was coming from, what looked like a food court. He couldn’t really see what was going on, but someone was curled up on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth and breathing heavily enough that even Connor could hear it from how far away he was standing. Was that kid having a panic attack? 

“Jeremy, what’s wrong?” The same dark haired girl from before was standing over the boy, her voice becoming louder and more panicked with every second passing. Next to her, some other girl pulled out her phone and began to record the boy on the ground. Okay, not cool. Connor began to make his way over to the girl to stop her. The poor guy was already having enough of a hard time without her documenting one of his worse moments online forever. 

Connor’s been there. He’s had bad days where all he can do is curl up in a ball in the school bathrooms and sit there, alone with his thoughts. As if his life wasn’t bad enough with that asshole Kleinman always trying to gain reputation by tormenting Connor.

“Dude, the freak’s freaking out,” the guy standing behind the first girl yelled, and something in Connor snapped. He came out here to get away from his life just to run into someone with the same problems. Same bullshit mental health, same nobody knowing how to help, same douchebags going around calling people freaks.

Connor was already in the food court by the time he reacted. 

“You’re the fucking freak!” He yelled in the tall guys face. “You think this is funny? You think this is fucking funny? Get out of here!” He turned to the girl on the other side of him, who was still recording. “Don’t you have any sense of privacy? Go!”

The girl who had been recording ran as soon as he finished talking, but the tall guy scoffed before grabbing the arm of the short girl, who was still staring at the boy on the floor, who Connor assumed to be the Jeremy she was yelling to earlier. 

“Come on, let’s go,” he said to her as he began to lead her away from the scene. Luckily the mall was mostly empty, and anyone else who had witnessed the scene was long gone at that point.

The boy was still hyperventilating on the ground at Connors feet. Now there was just nobody else around to see. 

Fuck. What were you supposed to do to help with this? Connor was always completely useless when it came to people, of fucking course he wouldn’t know how to deal with this. 

“Just think, what would you want someone to do for you when you get like this?” He asked himself, and then reluctantly got down on the floor with Jeremy, who Connor could now see was shaking. 

“Is it- hey, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me,” Connor didn’t know his voice could get that quiet. Most of the time he just used it for screaming. 

After a few seconds, the boy gave a jerky nod. Connor took that as a yes.

“Okay, good. That’s good. Is it okay if I- like, if I touch you? A little bit? Is that okay?” Wow, stuttering, great job at comforting the guy Connor. That’s exactly what he wants right now, a complete nutjob stranger who just scared his friend into leaving to touch him while he has a panic attack. 

To his surprise, Jeremy nodded again, keeping his eyes shut tight. Hesitantly, Connor reached out an arm to rest on the boys back. He began to slowly trace circles into the fabric of Jeremy’s shirt. Connor knew it wouldn’t help much, but touch tended to help him know what was real and what wasn’t when he was having a panic attack. He was trying his best, he didn’t know what would help this kid, he just found him like this in the middle of the mall.

“It’s okay. You’re okay, they’re gone now. It’s alright,” Connor found himself saying, though it felt weird for him to hear his voice come out gentle. After a few minutes of this the boys shaking had stopped, and his breathing had begun to even out. 

“Do you want to leave? We can go sit in my car. You don’t have to stay here.”

He got another nod in response to his question, and afterwards a quiet “Yes,” that Connor was surprised he even heard. 

“Okay, up we go then,” Connor steadied Jeremy as he tried to stand up, losing his balance at first from being disoriented. Connor began to lead him towards the exit. “You okay? What am I doing, of course you’re not okay, nevermind, new question. You up for words now?”

Connor didn’t get an answer.

“Jeremy?” Wow Connor really hoped that was his actual name or else this would be really awkward. The boy hummed in response. Okay, that was probably his name then. Connor had got one thing right, at least. 

When they got to Connor's car, Connor opened the passenger side door and threw his bag full of shirts into the back seat before helping Jeremy into the car. At least Jeremy had his eyes partially opened now. Connor got into the driver's seat, but he stopped himself when his hands subconsciously reached to put the keys in. He never said he was going to drive Jeremy anywhere, and it wasn’t like he was trying to kidnap the boy.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Jeremy finally spoke, though seemingly to himself. 

“This isn’t Michael’s car.”

Connor blinked a few times as he processed that sentence. Jeremy still wasn’t looking at him.

“No. No, this is not Michael’s car,” he replied, wondering who Michael was. Jeremy turned his head to the left suddenly as he heard Connors voice. 

“You’re not Michael.”

“No, I’m not. I don’t know who that is.” Jeremy was starting to look scared again. Oh, great, look was you did Connor. “Sorry,” he added as an afterthought.

“I- wha, who? Who are- where am I? What? I-” Jeremy tried to speak but he couldn’t seem to finish a sentence, his words just stammering together into a mess of syllables.

“No no- hey, calm down, it’s fine, you’re fine. Sorry. I kinda found you in the middle of the mall. You can leave if you want.” Connor made a show of unlocking the car doors. “See? I’m not trying to hurt you, you’re okay.”

“You- no, shit, I’m sorry. I was- I, just. The mall, and. People. And. Yeah. Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. We’ve all been there.” Well, not everyone, but Connor wasn’t going to bring up differences in mental health right then. “Do you need a ride home? I can totally drive you there.” Jeremey let out a deep breath.

“Yeah, yeah I really just wanna go home right now.” Connor nodded in understanding. Well, not in understanding, because he didn’t really get actually wanting to be at your house, but he understood the getting away from people part. He finally started the car and pulled out of the mall parking lot.

“So, where do you live?”


	2. There’s a 7/11 right there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Jeremy go to 7/11 at four(ish) in the morning, because who needs sleep anyways?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey getting writers block in the middle of a chapter sucks because then you wait 2 months to finish it and completely forget where you were going with the whole thing.
> 
> School also is not fun.
> 
> Enjoy!

Jeremy woke up to a dark room, no light coming in through the windows. He reached over to his nightstand, waving his hand around trying to find his phone. He turned it on to check the time and hissed as the light hit his eyes. Squinting, he turned down the brightness and looked at the time. 4 in the morning. What time did he go to sleep the last night?

Oh, right. After that guy dropped him off at home he went straight to bed. It wasn’t like he had anything else he couldn’t do. Jeremy’s only friend was Michael and Michael was busy at the-

Oh no. Jeremy sat up straight in bed, checking his phone for notifications. Three missed calls and seventeen unread texts from Michael. Jeremy quickly clicked on Michael’s contact and called him. 

Wait, what was he doing? It was three in the morning, Michael wasn’t going to pick up the phone. As Jeremy moved his fingers to end the call before it rang out, the ringing stopped.

“Hello?” Michael greeted, his voice dripping with tiredness. 

“Michael!” Jeremy hadn’t expected him to pick up. “What are you doing awake?”

“You’re the one who called me, genius. What’s wrong?”

“The mall. Yesterday, I-” he stopped. Jeremy hadn’t really planned how he was going to explain what happened. What was he supposed to say?

“Oh yeah, dude, what was that all about? I leave for five minutes and when I come back you’re gone! I called and texted but you wouldn’t answer dude, what the hell?” Michael definitely sounded more awake now.

“I- uh, well. Christine was there with-”

“You ditched me for Christine? Not cool, man. At least tell me when you’re leaving!”

“No! No, Christine was there with Jake, from school, and I tried to talk to her and I was, I was going to tell her. Like. About, whatever, I was going to talk to her, but Jake was staring at me all mad and stuff andtherewerepeopletherewhogotoourschoolandI-”

“Woah, Jere, calm down, it’s okay. You’re at home, you’re fine. You are at home, right? You’re not calling me to tell me you’re still locked in the mall, are you?”

“Wha- no!” Jeremy let out a small laugh at Michael’s question, taking a deep breath and slowing his speech. “I had a panic attack. In the middle of the mall. Christine saw and she freaked out and Jake was laughing at me and Jenna Rolan was recording it on her phone and it’ll be all over the internet by tomorrow. Oh god. But. Yeah. So I went home. Sorry.”

“Dude, you walked home? But the malls like, an hour away from your house on foot!”

“No, I got a ride,” Jeremy couldn’t see Michael, obviously, but he could practically feel how his best friend was blinking in confusion at that.

“From who?”

“I don’t know his name, this guy who-”

“JEREMIAH HEERE DID YOU HITCHHIKE?!” Michael yelled through the phone, and wow, there go Jeremy’s eardrums. He didn’t need those anyways.

“...kinda? But don’t freak out, not really, I just-” Michael cut him off once more by freaking out. Which was exactly what Jeremy had just told him not to do. Thanks Michael.

“HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF STRANGER DANGER?! YOU DON’T HITCHHIKE A RIDE HOME FROM THE MALL, JEREMY!”

“Michael it’s fine! He was nice, he got everyone to leave me alone when I was freaking out.”

“You still shouldn’t go anywhere some strange man you don’t know! What if he’d kidnapped you?”

“Dude, he was a kid our age. I actually only went with him at first because I thought he was you.” Michael was silent for a moment before he spoke up again, his voice much quieter than the screaming he had been doing before.

“He looked like me?”

“No, he looked nothing like you. It’s just that when he first came over and got everybody to leave, he sat down next to me and he started talking to me, asking me to nod my head if I could hear him and if it was okay for him to touch me and stuff. Not that his voice sounds like you either, I was just really out of it. And then he was rubbing circles into my back and stuff, like you do sometimes,” after thinking for a moment, Jeremy added, “Also his car reeked of weed.” That got Michael to laugh.

“What, you smell weed and immediately think it’s me? I’m flattered.”

“No! I mean, kinda. You’re the only person I know who smokes weed!” Michael snorted.

“Dude, I am not the only person you know who smokes weed. I’m just the only person you know who doesn’t try to hide the fact that I do.”

“Oh,” Jeremey didn’t really know what to say to that. “You know what, I don’t wanna know. Don’t tell me.”

“So, if this mystery man is our age, does he go to our school?” Michael asked, changing the subject abruptly. Jeremy thought about it. Did he? 

“I dunno, do you have everyone at our school memorized?” He asked jokingly, though he did wonder the same thing.

“What does he look like, describe him to me.” Jeremy squinted in the dark as he tried to remember details from the previous day. 

“He has… long hair. It’s brown, and kinda wavy but not like, super wavy. He’s pale. He’s really pale, actually, like paler than me. And tall. Not that tall, he’s shorter than Jake, he’s like your height I think. He’s taller than me. Do you know anyone like that?”

“Jere, I know at least ten pale kids with long dark hair who are taller than you. What kind of stuff does he wear? What’s his face like?”

“Um… he was wearing a jacket? Like, a thin black hoodie jacket thing, and a black t-shirt underneath. With black skinny jeans. And I don’t really know how to describe his face, like… blue eyes?”

“That… might be this kid who sits in front of me in math? I don’t remember his name. I knew it like five minutes ago but now that I’m trying to remember it I don’t know it. I don’t think he smokes, but I could totally be wrong. Do you want me to talk to him, make sure he’s cool?” 

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to bother him.” Both of them were silent for a moment, neither knowing what to say.

“Hey, it’s like 4:30, and if we go back to sleep now we’re still gotta get up in like an hour or so. Do you just wanna go hang at 7/11?” Jeremy smiled. Michael always had something for them to do when he was bored.

“Sure, it’s not like I’m falling back asleep anytime soon anyways.”

“I’ll be there in 10, wait outside for me.” Sure enough, ten minutes later Michael pulled into Jeremy’s driveway. “Get in loser, we’re getting slushies!” Maybe that joke would be funnier if Michael didn’t use it every time he picked Jeremy up. 

The drive didn’t take long, as there weren’t many other cars out on the streets. It wasn’t even 5 in the morning yet, so most people were still asleep. 

“You okay?” Michael asked as Jeremy buckled into the passenger seat. 

“I’m fine,” he said plainly, deliberately not looking at Michael’s face. His friends concerned gaze felt like it was burning a hole in the side of his head.

“Jeremy, I know you better than that,” Michael leaned over, setting his hand over Jeremy’s, which was resting on his thigh. “I’m right here when you need me buddy.” The two sat in silence for a minute while Jeremy gathered his thoughts. Michael removed his hand and pulled out of the driveway.

“Thanks Michael. I know, I just… It’s been a while since I’ve had a moment like that in public. And even when I did, you were always there with me,” Jeremy took a deep breath before continuing. “You weren’t there.” Michael reached over to grab Jeremy’s hand with his own. “Dude, watch the road!” Jeremy exclaimed. 

“I am, I’m watching it! It’s like four in the morning, nobody else is on the road,” Michael turned his head forwards again, looking out the windshield and steering with his left hand, but still clutching Jeremy’s in his right. “It’s not going to happen again, okay? I’m gonna be there, always. You get that, right? Today was- or yesterday I guess, was a fluke. An exception. Never again, you hear me? I’m with you buddy.” Jeremy moved to hold Michael’s hand in both of his own, smiling down at it in his grip. Michael always knew what to say.

“It’s not your fault. I was just trying to say, I freaked out. You’re always there, so I just thought this guy was you, right? And I- you know I trust you, more than anyone. So I just trusted him, because I thought he was you.” Jeremy intertwined his fingers with Michael’s, still staring down at where their three hands sat in his lap.

“You’ve gotta be more careful Jere,” Michael breathed out, barely loud enough to hear. “Not everyone deserves your trust.” He squeezed Jeremy’s hand for a second before relaxing his grip.

“No, I get that. I don’t really trust a lot of people who aren’t you. Maybe like, my dad, but… I dunno where I was going with this.” Jeremy looked to his left at Michael, only to find Michael staring right back at him. “Michael! Watch the road, you’re gonna get in a reck!” Michael’s lips twitched upward.

“I parked like three minutes ago. We’re here.” Michael used his free hand to gesture at the windows, which showed that they were indeed parked in the 7/11 parking lot.

“Oh. Right.” Jeremy hesitated before letting go of Michael’s hand. The two separated as they exited the car on their respective sides. The parking lot was mostly empty except for two cars. 7/11 at four in the morning is a good place to go to be alone. The door dinged as the two made their way inside. 

“Hey Michael, hey Jeremy,” the tired cashier waved at them, leaning on her elbows on the countertop. She looked half dead. Four AM isn’t a fun time to be at work. 

“Hey Bri,” Michael greeted. The two of them were pretty much the closest thing you can get to regulars at 7/11, and most of the younger employees knew them by name at this point. “Enjoying the place to yourself?”

“I was, actually. I was having a nice nap on my counter here before I woke up to the door ringing twenty minutes ago. And then it ringing again when you came in.”

“Didn't it ring when the last person left?” Jeremy asked, making his way over to slushies. Michael was looking through the candy isle. Bri blinked, stuck in thought for a minute before responding. 

“Huh, I dunno,” he answered, then raised her voice. “HEY KID, YOU STILL IN HERE?” Jeremy winced as her shout chord in the small room. 

“Yeah, I’m just chilling,” replied a vaguely familiar voice. 

“JUST DON’T STEAL ANYTHING, ALRIGHT?” Geez, tired Bri does not know how to control her volume apparently. 

“Sure thing,” the voice answered from somewhere in the isles, and Bri went back to resting her face on the countertop. Jeremy heard Michael start talking then, though it wasn’t to him.

“Oh, there you are. Hello, what brings you to 7/11 at four in the morning?”

“It’s like five.”

“Besides the point. Tell me your story, mysterious stranger.” Jeremy glanced down each isle, trying to find Michael and the familiar voice. He’d heard it somewhere before, but he can’t really place it. 

“None of your business.” The voice had just sounded bored before, but now it sounded cold. Michael had clearly struck a difficult topic. Jeremy looked down the last isle and saw Michael talking to a guy sitting on the floor, leaning against the shelves stocked with candy bars. As he walked closer, he realized where he knew that voice from.

“Oh. Hi again,” Jeremy said, blinking at the boy sitting on the floor by his feet. He hadn’t really expected to run into him again anytime soon. The boy looked up from his package of gummy bears he was eating at the sound of Jeremy’s voice.

“Um. Yeah. Hey,” the two stared at each other for a second, Michael glancing between the two in confusion. “How are- are you doing okay?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m fine now. Better,” Jeremy stumbled over his words. Why did taking to people have to be so hard?

“You know him?” Michael asked, confusion written all over his face. Jeremy shook himself out of the trance he was in, looking back to his best friend.

“Uh, yeah. This is the guy from the mall yesterday. Who I told you about.” Michael looked at the boy on the floor, then to Jeremy, and back to the boy in the floor. 

“This isn’t the guy from my math class.” Before Jeremy could respond, the nameless boy spoke up.

“No, I think I’d remember someone as… persistent as you.” He stood up then, stretching. “Well, not that this wasn’t fun, but goodbye. Nice to see again, um…” he trailed off, looking back over at Jeremy. Oh, of course, they still didn’t know each other’s names. 

“I’m Jeremy,” he told him, holding out his hand to shake. The other boy took it, and they shook hands awkwardly, neither really knowing what to do. 

“Connor,” he said simply. Connor picked up him half eaten bag of gummy bears and receipt off the floor and strode over to the door. He hesitated with his hand on the door, and said over his shoulder, “See you around sometime.” 

“Yeah,” Jeremy responded dumbly, still standing in the candy isle with a surprisingly quiet Michael. Connor nodded and opened the door, the bell above it dinging to signal his exit. Bri jerked awake again at the sound of it.

“Hi, how may I help you?!” She exclaimed, thankfully not as loud as her yelling earlier. She calmed down enough to realize it was just Michael and Jeremy in the store, and went right back to sleep. Michael looked over at Jeremy.

“I have never seen that kid before in my life,” he stated plainly. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even live here.” Jeremy shrugged. 

“Well, he said he’d see us around, so maybe he’s new. You don’t know everyone Michael.” Jeremy clapped his hands together once and took a step out of the isle. “So, slushies. What flavor do you want?”


End file.
